Friday, November 09, 2007

A POST OF SIGNIFICANCE?

It's no secret to people in my church and family that I've been struggling with . . . identity lately. Maybe it has to do with being officially "in my 40s", or maybe it's unrelated, but I've been trying to grasp a holistic and God-centered vision of who, or what, I'm supposed to be.

In the late 1980s, when I graduated from college, I knew that I wanted to be a high school math teacher. I did that. I don't regret those 15 years, and I feel like I impacted lives for the better. In the early stages of this new century, this new millennium, I began to feel some unrest. My job at Massena High School seemed frustrating. I was spending more time dealing with the "politics" of my job than I had before. Although I can be diplomatic when I need to be, I don't enjoy the sense that I have to "tip-toe through life" to avoid confrontation. I still haven't (and perhaps never will) completely quantified the reason(s) why I left Massena, and moved from K-12 education to higher education. It seemed to me that the doors I found open were Providential, and so I made the move. The enjoyable thing about my SUNY Potsdam position is the continued interaction with former colleagues and friends from my K-12 years.

So here's a trigger - this may seem strange if you weren't there, and you certainly weren't, but let me relate it anyway. When I was deciding to resign from my Massena position to accept the job at SUNY Potsdam, I had meetings with my principal and superintendent at Massena. I'd like to think that they wanted me to stay, and perhaps they did, but that was not the topic of conversation. They were both saying that I needed to do what was "right" for me. Interesting, this idea that society thinks we have to do what's "right" for "us." I was always taught that I had to do what's "right" in "God's plan", and I've always wanted to do just that. Anyway, in my conversation with the principal, a nice person with a nominal church connection, in my opinion, I was expressing my uncertainty about the actual reason(s) why I felt compelled to make this move, that I had not really identified them concretely. (As a math person, the need to quantify is strong for me; perhaps you can (or can't) relate to that.) Her response continues - now close to FIVE years later - to ring in my mind: "Do you think that you'll end up in some kind of church ministry?"

Where did that come from? Was God using a professional colleague to make me think? Or was it more direct than that? Does God want me to not just make a career "shift" (a term that I used in my resignation letter at Massena), but rather a complete career change? Has my move to a completely different type of position this year (teaching at Clarkson) been another step to prepare me for a bigger change?

I believe that God made me, and I believe He made me with certain character traits. One of those traits is a desire to know an answer definitely and concretely (see math person reference above). Thus, I do not believe He'll cause me to have these questions without providing answers. Many spiritually mature people in these last few months have told me that He'll make the way clear; I'm waiting for that to happen. Several have also said that I shouldn't rush into anything, and I don't intend to.

So I'm working hard at what I do. I prepare carefully for each math lesson, knowing that in the "big picture" what I'm doing may not seem to make a deep difference spiritually, but also knowing that I can set an example and a standard for my students and my colleagues. I complete my own assignments carefully, endeavoring to be the type of student that I would enjoy having enrolled in MY class. And, I continue to tell God (and others) that when He makes it clear what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up", that I'm all His.

My father had mentioned when I was younger that he wasn't sure he was originally supposed to be a preacher. He had an uncle (I think it was an uncle) whom dad felt was called to preach, but he never answered that call. Dad thought that he was called as a substitute for his uncle.

We have a lot of churches without pastors. We have several churches running lower numbers consistently than they used to. We have vacant mission fields with financial and personnel-related needs. We have American and world populations that are higher than they've ever been and, as Rowan Fay put it recently in Brushton revival, "many of them are regularly dropping into hell to burn forever."

It certainly doesn't sound glamorous, but if I'm supposed to be a "substitute", then I want to know that. If so, then I'll be sure to work just as hard at that job as I have as a teacher for these last 20 years.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great post, Don!! And, since you you and I have talked a bit about this "waiting" time, I know where you're coming from. Since you are "ready and willing" I'm sure God will reveal His Will in His time. Keep steady!! I appreciate how the Lord has helped you to this point. Love you lots.....

Anonymous said...

Hey Donald - just some of my thoughts on your post. First of all, it is beautifully written, very concise and direct (a symptom of that whole "math" thing, perhaps!) and I certainly appreciate your being completely honest and open to whatever God has for you! I do want to tell you though, that I believe you DO already have a ministry, and if there are no further leadings, perhaps your ministry in taking over all the printing jobs and more, for Dad, can certainly be a blessing in many ways for many people. I know that you "donate" lots of flyers, business cards, calling cards, etc. to our brethren already in God's work, who don't have a big income, and I'm SURE it has been a blessing many times over!! I appreciate the fine and beautiful work that you do, and I'm sure it has blessed others as well. So, if God doesn't lead you into a direct ministry, I already feel like you have one and God is, and has already, been blessing it!

Love you very much and am proud to be related to you!!!

skier1998 said...

Well, that was a very thought provoking post. I wish I had something profound to say... but I don't. It makes me think of our discussion in sunday school the last couple of weeks. We discussed this verse

Colossians 3:23-24 (NIV)
23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

So, a minister preparing sermons and you preparing math lessons will be rewarded the same for doing your "job." Although this was balanced with Daniel 12:3 NIV)

3 Those who are wise [a] will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever.

So, people who lead others to Christ will be additionally rewarded. But, we also discussed that God has a place for everyone. We cannot all be the eye or the ear in the body of Christ. But, that God does has a place for each one of us. It is very possible that God has been stirring you for something new.

skier1998 said...

Hey - I read this on a billboard the other day. Just had to share. "Alcohol and calculus don't mix. So, don't drink and derive." ha ha.

Don said...

Oh, no - OLD JOKE ALERT!! Naturally, we in the math community have heard THAT one before! I'm impressed that it's on a billboard, though... :)

I have a cute cartoon in which these equations are being excessively polite to each other and the caption identifies them as "deferential equations." Come to think of it, I'll have to use that in the background of one of my PowerPoint presentations for class before this semester is over!

Thanks for your earlier, thoughtful comments about my present angst as well. You really did say some profound stuff, plus you proved that you pay attention in church, at least some of the time.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Donnie, It's pretty awesome (and scary) to listen to my little brother talk this way. I hope you know how proud I am of you. I'm sure that whatever ministry God leads you into you will do it with all your might. When I think of that night 40 years ago when we didn't know if you'd live or not, obviously God had something for you to do and spared your life. He will show you what that is.
Love you lots!