ONLY A MONTH...

This semester has been particularly busy, and so the past month (or five weeks now) flew by so quickly, it doesn't seem possible. I've still been trying to take pictures documenting our journey through parenthood, and have posted several of those efforts on Facebook. It seems that the "formal photo shoots" still manage to escape me, despite my best efforts. Fortunately, some of the more casual picture-taking sessions have yielded decent results.

Wendy and I have found that the transition to full-time parenthood challenging at times, especially since more than 20 years of marriage can allow "ruts" to develop ("patterns of behavior" might have a less negative connotation!). No doubt we've been in some ruts, and Mathias has been the equipment needed to till the ground! And, just when things seem to be going very well, another "first" will often take us by surprise. This past weekend, on Friday night, something made him uncomfortable at about 12:30 in the morning. He had been sleeping for about an hour, and we had just gotten settled as well, since it was Friday night. One of the most frustrating things as a parent is not being able to calm a distressed child! To make a long story short, we ended up having to hold him all night (we switched off through the night) so that he could get some rest. We suspect there was a gas bubble, or some stomach distress, so that lying down was uncomfortable, but when held vertically, there was apparently some relief. Ultimately, Wendy and I got no sleep that night. After a relatively normal morning on Saturday, he did nap quite a bit through the day, so we caught up as well, for the most part. Both Saturday night and Sunday night were uneventful once again, for which we're thankful!

In general, I think we're doing quite well, for old folks! In early December, we had my sister Rachel babysit him while we joined some colleagues for a Christmas dinner at the Lobster House in Norwood. Then, in early March, our pastor's wife took care of him for the day so we could go to Burlington for Wendy to see a rheumatologist for an arthritis evaluation. Otherwise, he's been with us, and we wouldn't want it any other way!

Mathias actually travels well, which is important, since we've been on the road quite a bit; a significant amount of that travel has been for Burlington appointments related to his orthopedic treatments, but he's also been to New York City, Albany, and Pennsylvania. In the car, he generally sleeps or entertains himself with the toys attached to his car seat, as long as we keep him properly fed and changed. Wendy and I will both be glad when he can face front, since he seems very distant when viewed through two mirrors!

What a blessing this little boy has been in our lives, and how blessed I am to have a caring wife who set aside her work plans for this year so she could be a stay-at-home mommy during this critically important time in his life. We're no longer just a couple, able to expect to do couple things, but we're a family now, and that has made all the difference...

ANOTHER LONG GAP!!

So I never meant for this to happen, once I had re-entered the world of my 'blog. But, I must admit that the convenience of Facebook has made my entries here tougher to justify. It seems that we, as Americans, are always looking for the easier way...

The last few months have been a flurry. Recently, we "celebrated" (I only put that in quotes because we didn't really have a celebration; it was more of an acknowledgment) Mathias turning six months old. Gestationally, he is just over four months, and his physical development is right on target for that schedule. For length and weight he's at the 50th percentile for four months; his 25" and 14 lbs, 12.5 oz statistics are actually the 10th percentile for a typical six-month-old. We don't know where these months have gone! I know it sounds cliche, but it seems like just yesterday we were in the hospital, holding a tiny form that didn't even know we were there. Today, we listen to constant jabbering as he tries to express himself without words, and he is a real ham when we pay him the attention he craves! He's a little less effusive around other people, at least for a few minutes, but wide smiles are very common, and giggles are becoming more so.

Here is a collage picture that I created recently - it has several different images from the hospital, and made a great 8x10 print. I want to create more of these from the dozens (I guess hundreds now) of images we've snapped since August 9.



I really will try to post more consistently. (This is mostly for you, Jeff!)

A FRESH BEGINNING...

Here is today's question: "How does one, after more than 18 months of silence, resume speaking fluidly, and without it seeming like an awkward start?" To me, this question is akin to that moment when you see someone you haven't seen in a long time, exchange a few introductory pleasantries, and then stand there looking at the ground or surrounding scenery, wondering if you truly have nothing more to say to each other! By contrast, I've also run into an old friend and immediately started a meaningful conversation that made it seem like we had met the day before for lunch...

First, I re-read my post from February 24, 2009. That was tough. I even went back and read some of the posts that preceded it, but it quickly got overwhelming. I don't want to re-live that past; I want to think about TODAY!

Well, actually I don't want to think about today. I want to think about the three weeks that led up to today, and I want to keep those memories more fresh than I know they will naturally be after time has done its reliable job of eroding them...

I don't want to think about today because:
1. I'm in Potsdam, and Wendy is far away.
2. I'm a father now, and I want nothing more than to be with my little boy.

I do want to think about the three weeks that led up to today because:
1. I'm a father now, and that miracle happened three weeks ago today.
2. Since my job does not obligate me greatly during the summer, I was able to spend all of the time from August 9, 2010 through August 29, 2010 with Wendy and the baby, ignoring other "work" that was just less important.
3. I've been a father now for three weeks.
4. There is a very little boy who will someday call me "Daddy," although he may use other endearing terms first, most of which don't appear in our dictionaries.

So let me recap - the short, less painful version of the bad stuff, and more details about the good stuff.

December 2008 - first round of fertility treatments in NYC. Scared, excited, hopeful, worried, successful! Wendy has a resultant pregnancy with a due date in early September 2009. We celebrate. Oh, how we celebrate! Then, it all comes crashing down with a missed miscarriage somewhere between 8 weeks and 12 weeks gestation. Wow, how could this happen?

July/August 2009 - second round of fertility treatments in NYC. Excited, differently scared, wishfully hopeful, better success in the laboratory, nothing! How could this happen?

Fall 2009 - some additional consultations with our team of experts, and they say we're likely just part of the larger statistical picture, and there hasn't really been anything overlooked. We thought God didn't NEED statistics, but we also know He doesn't just pull us away from pain because He can...

January 2010 - third round of fertility treatments in NYC. More scared, for some reason (advancing age, perhaps?), but still excited and hopeful. This time the days in the city feel more business-like, less like a vacation. As they say in our rural, redneck northern area of NY, we just want to "Git 'r done"! Success! Wow! Now we're REALLY scared!

As the final stages of winter 2009-10 pass by, and spring takes its place, happiness begins to replace fear. Hope gently, then more forcefully, pushes doubt aside. Things are going well, heading toward October 15. We find out it's going to be a boy. (Of course we wanted to know! At our age, we didn't want to buy stuff that was the wrong color!) We decide on a name, but keep it secret from everyone. We dream about the nursery, and start to put those plans together. Spring turns into summer, which is especially busy. A HUGE shower is planned for August 14, 2010, to celebrate the upcoming arrival. We've waited a LONG TIME for this party!!

Finally, in the end of July and early August, we start work in the house. The new nursery room (which has been a computer and catch-all room for nine years) is torn apart in preparation for new carpet, new paint, decorations, furniture, etc. Some of the items are even picked up and stored in their boxes until the room is ready. A planned vacation to Lake Titus near Malone interrupts our momentum; we leave our terribly disorganized house on August 7 to relax at the lake. I mean, we still have two months, right?

Wrong. So wrong! Sunday, August 8 Wendy has "cramps." They persist for several hours, and seem quite rhythmic; once she confesses that fact, we go to the hospital after calling them for their advice. They determine she's in labor, and send her to Burlington via ambulance transport. I gather some things and go along, arriving a couple of hours later than she.

Initially, their desire is to hold off labor for 48 hours. This would allow them to inject her with steroids, which help to develop immature lungs in premature babies. However, blood work indicates an infection, even though there is no fever. At that point, it's actually healthier to get the baby out of that environment, and so they simply allow the labor to proceed.

The final result? On August 9, 2010 (that's right - 8.9.10) at 9:08 a.m., Mathias Joseph entered this world and made us proud parents. He weighed 3 lbs, 9 oz, and was 16.5 inches long. Initial assessments showed him to be healthy; he needed a bit of breathing support (through a CPAP machine) from when he was three hours old until he was about 27 hours old, and that was it. He's growing well, making good progress at taking his nutrition by mouth, and generally impressing everyone who has contact with him! We are thankful, having been perfectly content to gaze at him adoringly for hours on end over the last three weeks.

So now, reality hits as I begin my fall semester. This separation is tough, but we have been so strengthened by these years of challenges that, as a contemporary country song says, "This Ain't Nothin'"!

As I typed in a recent email to a colleague, when describing the challenge of being here while the rest of my family is not, "Three IVF attempts and a 'too-long emotional roller coaster ride' are behind us, and our cheeks are now sore from three weeks of wide smiles. As you can imagine, there have also been some tears, but they taste less salty and more sweet.

I like sweet.

THOUGHTS TO LEAN ON...

As we move forward, there have been many expressions of kindness and concern from our friends and family members that have been God-sent, providing strength that we need for the continued journey. We thank you all, sincerely.

Recent events have not changed any of the facts of the last few months. God's hand on our lives was evident, no, IS evident, as we look back. He prepares the way, but He doesn't necessarily give us the grace or strength that we need in advance of when we need it. As Rev. Rowan Fay preached last summer at Vermontville Camp, in a message about weightlifting: "We don't get strength FOR the load, we get strength FROM the load!" However, this doesn't mean that God's concern for something that He already knows will happen is absent. We're promised in scripture that He won't give us more than we can handle, with His help. Ah - there's the catch - with His help.... When we try to go through life on our own, we find true limits. In His strength, there is none.

Little did I know last Monday, when I was completing the layout for the March 2009 Pilgrim News, what Wendy and I would be facing on Wednesday. But God did. Generally, one of the final tasks in that monthly project is to design the front cover. Since I've been doing this job, I've tried to have a cover theme for each issue. Usually, it's a full-page picture, and a scripture that makes sense with that picture as accompaniment. March is sometimes difficult. In NY, we're caught between winter and spring, and this year Easter doesn't come until April. So what was I to do? I looked through my collection of personal pictures, trying to find something, and I did! Last summer, we had a tremendous storm develop very quickly. I had taken my camera, driven down to the end of our road where there is more open space, and captured some images of that looming storm cloud. It was dark, foreboding, even a bit scary. And, unless someone inspected it closely, they probably wouldn't notice that it was "out of season" for the March cover.

So what scripture could be a companion to this picture? Of course, something from one of David's psalms. David so often articulated the highs and lows of life at the same time, communicating to us centuries later that we could get through them as well. Take time to read the entire 107th psalm, and you'll see what I mean, but pay attention, as I did, to the first part of verse 29: "He maketh the storm a calm...."

And so He has. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for tears you may have shed for us, and with us. They have mingled together with those of many others to help cleanse away the hurt. And the soothing, calming love of God has wrapped us in His presence, gently telling us that we are not alone, even when no child yet graces our home. We have Him, and we have each other. "We have this moment to hold in our hands, and to touch, as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone, and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today."

Together, we take the step that is today.

THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRAINING FOR...

Last summer, a dear friend of our church family lost her battle with cancer. Ena Maharaj was an inspiration to anyone who knew her, and dealt with her rather sudden illness in an extremely positive way. Although I did not see her in the final days of her life, my pastor told us as a congregation that, at one point when she was talking to him, she stated, "This is what I've been training for!"

I remember thinking that I couldn't feel that way myself at the time. Wendy and I had experienced, seemingly, setback after setback in our plans to proceed with in-vitro fertilization. In fact, at that same time - within just a few days - we found out that we were not on the September IVF cycle as we had originally planned, and were told that our turn would not be until December.

Then autumn came:

"State insurance should cover this...."

"Because you're returning from an unpaid leave, you can enroll in the Empire Plan immediately, and it will take effect on October 3...."

"CRMI is one of New York State's Centers of Excellence, and so payment is at 100%, with no deductibles...."

"Since the Center of Excellence facility is more than 100 miles from your home, you will also be reimbursed for travel, lodging, and food costs while you are undergoing treatment...."

Suddenly, it all made sense, from a human perspective. And looking back, there was a trail of circumstantial evidence over 10 years long that lined up to say that this would work. And, it did!

Christmas Day and a positive pregnancy test - what a gift....

Tears of joy replacing tears of anguish; our dreams would come true!

Plans, smiles, laughter, and my mind could already hear the night cries of a baby - OUR baby - in the German Shepherd themed nursery that was already envisioned.

Then February 18 came:

"Your blood pressure's a little high, are you nervous?"

"Can't hear anything with the Doppler, let's try an ultrasound...."

"There's no sign of cardiac activity...."

"Essentially no growth since the last visit...."

For almost 24 hours now, we have been making a conscious choice to believe what our pastor has said on several occasions: "God is too wise to make a mistake, and loves us too much to hurt us just because He can."

We give our gift back to Him, knowing our child(ren) will be well cared for in His loving arms. In fact, perhaps their grandparents are enjoying their company right now, and that gives us extra reason to make sure we make it as well.

God did not promise that life would be easy, but He promised to be with us no matter the circumstances. This is what we've been training for.

"[T]he Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21b)

"[B]ut as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15b)

A MIRACLE, JUST FOR US...

Since mid-December, I have been wondering just what constitutes a miracle. The dictionary defines the word as "an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause." In my lifetime, I know that has meant different things to different people. From accounts recorded in scripture, I read of the blind receiving sight, a wedding party having the best wine when only water had been put in the pots at Christ's command, and even a dead man living again. In years past, I know of individuals who have had a dire physical prognosis, and yet at one point when they went back to the doctor for a checkup, he "didn't understand" how they were suddenly well. All of these have been called "miracles," and they certainly fit the definition.

Many times we hear people refer to "the miracle of life." Although medical science has increased the duration of life in recent years, and can improve the quality of life in the face of certain medical diagnoses, it is still unable to create life; conception still requires God's hand.

I have been hesitant to post these musings, with the news that has precipitated them. Why? Well, for a couple of reasons. I have lived long enough to know that people's personal ethics vary widely, and it is not my intent to offend anyone with this post. Also, the situation that Wendy and I find ourselves in still does not seem fully real. After so many years of hope, prayers, dashed hopes, and tears, our minds are working hard to process this news, but here it is. Perhaps you can help to convince us that we are not dreaming....

I've heard people marvel over modern technology. When a couple is expecting a child, they can actually see the new addition to the family long before he or she enters the world. What you see here may be the earliest pre-natal picture you've ever viewed:


We've been married for over 18 years. We've never had children. On December 1, 2008, we entered the Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility (CRMI) in New York City, ready to finally find some answers. As if the city wasn't intimidating enough, this modern facility is a bit more sizable than our typical north country hospitals...



Two weeks later on December 15, after many trips into and out of the city, and a LOT of tests and injections (the total is up to 79 right now), we returned to CRMI for the final time to have our two embryos (shown above) returned to their mother. The doctors had done what they could, God had caused new life to begin, and the rest was up to Him.

On December 25, we had the merriest Christmas morning in many years when a home pregnancy test showed a positive result! That was confirmed by a blood test on December 26. Further blood tests on December 29 and January 5 showed an established pregnancy. Then, on January 8, an ultrasound was done and a gestational sac was evident.


The next Thursday, January 15, a second ultrasound showed a fetal heartbeat of 115 bpm (which we also heard on the monitor), and good progress. We were a bit disappointed that only one embryo liked Wendy enough to stick around, but we believe that just means our family is already begun in heaven.


And again yesterday, January 22, the third ultrasound showed development to be right on target.


Now, we get a little break from the doctors! Our next checkup is scheduled for mid-February, which will seem like a very long wait, I'm sure. One day at a time....

For the last several years, we have struggled with a wide variety of emotions. Our faith has been tested, and our small home has seemed way too large and extremely empty. We told the Lord last fall that, no matter what the outcome of our attempt at medical intervention for infertility, we were all His. He knows us, our limits, and the "desires of our hearts." We are so thankful that He has blessed us, and by His grace we will welcome a new family member in early September.

If you've never really considered the sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and deep grief that comes from being childless (not by choice), then please watch this touching video: Tears and Hope It can't vicariously put you in our place, but it can help to sensitize you more to the hurts of others.

We covet your continued prayers in the months ahead....

SOME IMAGES OF CHRISTMAS

I know it's a little late, but I wanted to post some Christmas pictures. I didn't take very many, but here are a few...