THOUGHTS TO LEAN ON...

As we move forward, there have been many expressions of kindness and concern from our friends and family members that have been God-sent, providing strength that we need for the continued journey. We thank you all, sincerely.

Recent events have not changed any of the facts of the last few months. God's hand on our lives was evident, no, IS evident, as we look back. He prepares the way, but He doesn't necessarily give us the grace or strength that we need in advance of when we need it. As Rev. Rowan Fay preached last summer at Vermontville Camp, in a message about weightlifting: "We don't get strength FOR the load, we get strength FROM the load!" However, this doesn't mean that God's concern for something that He already knows will happen is absent. We're promised in scripture that He won't give us more than we can handle, with His help. Ah - there's the catch - with His help.... When we try to go through life on our own, we find true limits. In His strength, there is none.

Little did I know last Monday, when I was completing the layout for the March 2009 Pilgrim News, what Wendy and I would be facing on Wednesday. But God did. Generally, one of the final tasks in that monthly project is to design the front cover. Since I've been doing this job, I've tried to have a cover theme for each issue. Usually, it's a full-page picture, and a scripture that makes sense with that picture as accompaniment. March is sometimes difficult. In NY, we're caught between winter and spring, and this year Easter doesn't come until April. So what was I to do? I looked through my collection of personal pictures, trying to find something, and I did! Last summer, we had a tremendous storm develop very quickly. I had taken my camera, driven down to the end of our road where there is more open space, and captured some images of that looming storm cloud. It was dark, foreboding, even a bit scary. And, unless someone inspected it closely, they probably wouldn't notice that it was "out of season" for the March cover.

So what scripture could be a companion to this picture? Of course, something from one of David's psalms. David so often articulated the highs and lows of life at the same time, communicating to us centuries later that we could get through them as well. Take time to read the entire 107th psalm, and you'll see what I mean, but pay attention, as I did, to the first part of verse 29: "He maketh the storm a calm...."

And so He has. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for tears you may have shed for us, and with us. They have mingled together with those of many others to help cleanse away the hurt. And the soothing, calming love of God has wrapped us in His presence, gently telling us that we are not alone, even when no child yet graces our home. We have Him, and we have each other. "We have this moment to hold in our hands, and to touch, as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone, and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today."

Together, we take the step that is today.

THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRAINING FOR...

Last summer, a dear friend of our church family lost her battle with cancer. Ena Maharaj was an inspiration to anyone who knew her, and dealt with her rather sudden illness in an extremely positive way. Although I did not see her in the final days of her life, my pastor told us as a congregation that, at one point when she was talking to him, she stated, "This is what I've been training for!"

I remember thinking that I couldn't feel that way myself at the time. Wendy and I had experienced, seemingly, setback after setback in our plans to proceed with in-vitro fertilization. In fact, at that same time - within just a few days - we found out that we were not on the September IVF cycle as we had originally planned, and were told that our turn would not be until December.

Then autumn came:

"State insurance should cover this...."

"Because you're returning from an unpaid leave, you can enroll in the Empire Plan immediately, and it will take effect on October 3...."

"CRMI is one of New York State's Centers of Excellence, and so payment is at 100%, with no deductibles...."

"Since the Center of Excellence facility is more than 100 miles from your home, you will also be reimbursed for travel, lodging, and food costs while you are undergoing treatment...."

Suddenly, it all made sense, from a human perspective. And looking back, there was a trail of circumstantial evidence over 10 years long that lined up to say that this would work. And, it did!

Christmas Day and a positive pregnancy test - what a gift....

Tears of joy replacing tears of anguish; our dreams would come true!

Plans, smiles, laughter, and my mind could already hear the night cries of a baby - OUR baby - in the German Shepherd themed nursery that was already envisioned.

Then February 18 came:

"Your blood pressure's a little high, are you nervous?"

"Can't hear anything with the Doppler, let's try an ultrasound...."

"There's no sign of cardiac activity...."

"Essentially no growth since the last visit...."

For almost 24 hours now, we have been making a conscious choice to believe what our pastor has said on several occasions: "God is too wise to make a mistake, and loves us too much to hurt us just because He can."

We give our gift back to Him, knowing our child(ren) will be well cared for in His loving arms. In fact, perhaps their grandparents are enjoying their company right now, and that gives us extra reason to make sure we make it as well.

God did not promise that life would be easy, but He promised to be with us no matter the circumstances. This is what we've been training for.

"[T]he Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21b)

"[B]ut as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15b)