THOUGHTS TO LEAN ON...

As we move forward, there have been many expressions of kindness and concern from our friends and family members that have been God-sent, providing strength that we need for the continued journey. We thank you all, sincerely.

Recent events have not changed any of the facts of the last few months. God's hand on our lives was evident, no, IS evident, as we look back. He prepares the way, but He doesn't necessarily give us the grace or strength that we need in advance of when we need it. As Rev. Rowan Fay preached last summer at Vermontville Camp, in a message about weightlifting: "We don't get strength FOR the load, we get strength FROM the load!" However, this doesn't mean that God's concern for something that He already knows will happen is absent. We're promised in scripture that He won't give us more than we can handle, with His help. Ah - there's the catch - with His help.... When we try to go through life on our own, we find true limits. In His strength, there is none.

Little did I know last Monday, when I was completing the layout for the March 2009 Pilgrim News, what Wendy and I would be facing on Wednesday. But God did. Generally, one of the final tasks in that monthly project is to design the front cover. Since I've been doing this job, I've tried to have a cover theme for each issue. Usually, it's a full-page picture, and a scripture that makes sense with that picture as accompaniment. March is sometimes difficult. In NY, we're caught between winter and spring, and this year Easter doesn't come until April. So what was I to do? I looked through my collection of personal pictures, trying to find something, and I did! Last summer, we had a tremendous storm develop very quickly. I had taken my camera, driven down to the end of our road where there is more open space, and captured some images of that looming storm cloud. It was dark, foreboding, even a bit scary. And, unless someone inspected it closely, they probably wouldn't notice that it was "out of season" for the March cover.

So what scripture could be a companion to this picture? Of course, something from one of David's psalms. David so often articulated the highs and lows of life at the same time, communicating to us centuries later that we could get through them as well. Take time to read the entire 107th psalm, and you'll see what I mean, but pay attention, as I did, to the first part of verse 29: "He maketh the storm a calm...."

And so He has. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for tears you may have shed for us, and with us. They have mingled together with those of many others to help cleanse away the hurt. And the soothing, calming love of God has wrapped us in His presence, gently telling us that we are not alone, even when no child yet graces our home. We have Him, and we have each other. "We have this moment to hold in our hands, and to touch, as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone, and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today."

Together, we take the step that is today.

THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRAINING FOR...

Last summer, a dear friend of our church family lost her battle with cancer. Ena Maharaj was an inspiration to anyone who knew her, and dealt with her rather sudden illness in an extremely positive way. Although I did not see her in the final days of her life, my pastor told us as a congregation that, at one point when she was talking to him, she stated, "This is what I've been training for!"

I remember thinking that I couldn't feel that way myself at the time. Wendy and I had experienced, seemingly, setback after setback in our plans to proceed with in-vitro fertilization. In fact, at that same time - within just a few days - we found out that we were not on the September IVF cycle as we had originally planned, and were told that our turn would not be until December.

Then autumn came:

"State insurance should cover this...."

"Because you're returning from an unpaid leave, you can enroll in the Empire Plan immediately, and it will take effect on October 3...."

"CRMI is one of New York State's Centers of Excellence, and so payment is at 100%, with no deductibles...."

"Since the Center of Excellence facility is more than 100 miles from your home, you will also be reimbursed for travel, lodging, and food costs while you are undergoing treatment...."

Suddenly, it all made sense, from a human perspective. And looking back, there was a trail of circumstantial evidence over 10 years long that lined up to say that this would work. And, it did!

Christmas Day and a positive pregnancy test - what a gift....

Tears of joy replacing tears of anguish; our dreams would come true!

Plans, smiles, laughter, and my mind could already hear the night cries of a baby - OUR baby - in the German Shepherd themed nursery that was already envisioned.

Then February 18 came:

"Your blood pressure's a little high, are you nervous?"

"Can't hear anything with the Doppler, let's try an ultrasound...."

"There's no sign of cardiac activity...."

"Essentially no growth since the last visit...."

For almost 24 hours now, we have been making a conscious choice to believe what our pastor has said on several occasions: "God is too wise to make a mistake, and loves us too much to hurt us just because He can."

We give our gift back to Him, knowing our child(ren) will be well cared for in His loving arms. In fact, perhaps their grandparents are enjoying their company right now, and that gives us extra reason to make sure we make it as well.

God did not promise that life would be easy, but He promised to be with us no matter the circumstances. This is what we've been training for.

"[T]he Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21b)

"[B]ut as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15b)

A MIRACLE, JUST FOR US...

Since mid-December, I have been wondering just what constitutes a miracle. The dictionary defines the word as "an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause." In my lifetime, I know that has meant different things to different people. From accounts recorded in scripture, I read of the blind receiving sight, a wedding party having the best wine when only water had been put in the pots at Christ's command, and even a dead man living again. In years past, I know of individuals who have had a dire physical prognosis, and yet at one point when they went back to the doctor for a checkup, he "didn't understand" how they were suddenly well. All of these have been called "miracles," and they certainly fit the definition.

Many times we hear people refer to "the miracle of life." Although medical science has increased the duration of life in recent years, and can improve the quality of life in the face of certain medical diagnoses, it is still unable to create life; conception still requires God's hand.

I have been hesitant to post these musings, with the news that has precipitated them. Why? Well, for a couple of reasons. I have lived long enough to know that people's personal ethics vary widely, and it is not my intent to offend anyone with this post. Also, the situation that Wendy and I find ourselves in still does not seem fully real. After so many years of hope, prayers, dashed hopes, and tears, our minds are working hard to process this news, but here it is. Perhaps you can help to convince us that we are not dreaming....

I've heard people marvel over modern technology. When a couple is expecting a child, they can actually see the new addition to the family long before he or she enters the world. What you see here may be the earliest pre-natal picture you've ever viewed:


We've been married for over 18 years. We've never had children. On December 1, 2008, we entered the Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility (CRMI) in New York City, ready to finally find some answers. As if the city wasn't intimidating enough, this modern facility is a bit more sizable than our typical north country hospitals...



Two weeks later on December 15, after many trips into and out of the city, and a LOT of tests and injections (the total is up to 79 right now), we returned to CRMI for the final time to have our two embryos (shown above) returned to their mother. The doctors had done what they could, God had caused new life to begin, and the rest was up to Him.

On December 25, we had the merriest Christmas morning in many years when a home pregnancy test showed a positive result! That was confirmed by a blood test on December 26. Further blood tests on December 29 and January 5 showed an established pregnancy. Then, on January 8, an ultrasound was done and a gestational sac was evident.


The next Thursday, January 15, a second ultrasound showed a fetal heartbeat of 115 bpm (which we also heard on the monitor), and good progress. We were a bit disappointed that only one embryo liked Wendy enough to stick around, but we believe that just means our family is already begun in heaven.


And again yesterday, January 22, the third ultrasound showed development to be right on target.


Now, we get a little break from the doctors! Our next checkup is scheduled for mid-February, which will seem like a very long wait, I'm sure. One day at a time....

For the last several years, we have struggled with a wide variety of emotions. Our faith has been tested, and our small home has seemed way too large and extremely empty. We told the Lord last fall that, no matter what the outcome of our attempt at medical intervention for infertility, we were all His. He knows us, our limits, and the "desires of our hearts." We are so thankful that He has blessed us, and by His grace we will welcome a new family member in early September.

If you've never really considered the sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and deep grief that comes from being childless (not by choice), then please watch this touching video: Tears and Hope It can't vicariously put you in our place, but it can help to sensitize you more to the hurts of others.

We covet your continued prayers in the months ahead....

SOME IMAGES OF CHRISTMAS

I know it's a little late, but I wanted to post some Christmas pictures. I didn't take very many, but here are a few...